BRITISH VERSION OF THIS:
1. BOIL THE KETTLE - IF YOU HAVE TO USE A STOVE OR MICROWAVE SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOUR HOUSE
2. USE ANY WATER IN EXISTENCE - FUCK FILTERING THAT SHIT YOU DON’T HAVE TIME TO MAKE A PROFILE YOUR SHOW IS BACK ON IN 5 MINUTES PRESS A
3. THROW WHATEVER THE HELL TEABAG YOU HAVE IN THERE - FUCK LOOSE TEA THAT IS FOR WHEN YOU ORDER TEA OUTSIDE
4. USE YOUR STIRRING TEABAG METHOD OF CHOICE, ADD SUGAR/SWEETENER LIKE A BOSS OR NOT IF YOU ARE A HEALTHY BOSS
5. GRUMBLE LIKE A FISHERMAN BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO LEAVE THE KETTLE AREA TO GO TO THE FRIDGE TO GET MILK AND BACK TO IT AGAIN AFTER YOU ADD IT
6. RUN BACK TO WHATEVER YOU WERE DOING, TAKE A COMFORT SIP AND THEN EITHER FINISH IT OR FORGET ABOUT IT AND MOAN ABOUT THE FACT THAT YOU LET IT GO COLD
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EDIT: IF YOU CAN’T SPOT IF NOT FROM THIS ALONE THEN THE NATURE OF MY TUMBLR THAT I’M NOT MAKING A DIG AT HER COMIC SIMPLY POINTING OUT HOW LAZY WE ARE OVER HERE WITH TEA THEN GET OFF THE INTERNET. THE COMIC COVERS ALL TEA OPTIONS. COME AT ME BRO.THE AUSTRALIAN VERSION
JUST GET THE BLOODY BILLY ON THE FIRE AND THROW IN A FISTFUL OF TEA FOR EACH BUGGER AFTER THE WATER BOILS
TAKE OFF FIRE
WAIT UNTIL IT REACHES DESIRED STRENGTH
CAPABLE OF SUPPORTING A SPOON STOOD UPRIGHT IN IT IS IDEAL
WHACK BILLY TO ENCOURAGE SINKING OF TEA LEAVES
POUR IT OUT
ADD AS MUCH MILK AND SUGAR AS YOU LIKE OR NOT AT ALL
VEGEMITE IS ACCEPTABLEDRINK IT DOWN WHILE RIDING OFF INTO THE OUTBACK ON YOUR BIG RED KANGAROO ON A SADDLE MADE OF DROPBEAR PELTS, WITH YOUR TRUSTY BRUMBY PACKING ALONG YOUR SWAG AND A DINGO BY YOUR SIDE
CHEERS MATE
CANADIAN VERSION
WHAT IS ENGLAND DOING?
OK NOW COPY THAT SHIT AND JUST CHANGE A FEW THINGS
NO PUSSY REAL “TEAWARE”, WE HAVE NORMAL COFFEE MUGS FOR THAT SHIT.
USE WHATEVER APPLIANCE YOU WANT TO HEAT THE DAMN WATER, YEAH WE SIGNED OUR FUCKING FREEDOM. NO ONE SAID IT WAS MANDATORY FOR KETTLES!
SIT LIKE A CLASSY MAN/WOMAN AND WAIT FOR IT TO BOIL
EAT SOME BACON
THROW A TEABAG IN THERE, LOOSE TEA IS FOR MY MONARCHIST AUNT.
DUMP SO MUCH SUGAR IN IT THAT YOU GET DIABETES AND SO MUCH MILK THAT YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE AND MILK THE COW, BETSY.
TAKE A SIP.
SCALD YOURSELF AND ALMOST DROP MUG, SPILLING IT DOWN THE FRONT OF YOUR BACK IN THE PROCESS.
REALIZE TEA ISN’T TOO MUCH OF YOUR THING AND GO BACK TO COFFEE.
AMERICAN VERSION
FIND A CUP(?) (ANY CLEAN, CUP-LIKE INSTRUMENT WILL WORK)
FILL IT WITH TAP WATER
ADD FIVE SPOONFULS OF INSTANT ICED TEA POWDER
STIR THAT SHIT SO HARD YOU SPILL SOME ON THE COUNTER, LET GO OF THE SPOON SO YOU CAN WATCH IT SPIN
DRINK IT AND CHOKE BECAUSE IT’S TOO SWEET
POUR SOME INTO THE SINK AND ADD WATER IN HOPES THAT IT WILL TASTE ACCEPTABLE
REPEAT UNTIL YOU GET IT RIGHT
ADD ICE CUBES AND A STRAW TO ENHANCE CLASSINESS
FINNISH VERSION
FUCK THE KETTLE, JUST TAKE THE PAIL FROM THE SAUNAIF THE WATER ISN’T BOILING, YOU’RE DOING SOMETHING WRONG
TOSS THE BIRCH VIHTA IN THE WATER AND LET IT SEEP FOR A WHILE
GET A BOTTLE OF VODKA
DRINK THE VODKA
FORGET THE “TEA” UNTIL IT COOLS DOWN
RINSE YOUR NAKED BODY WITH THE BIRCH TEA
GO ROLL IN THE SNOW AND SCREAM FOR YOUR ANCIENT GODS
NORWEGIAN VERSION
BOIL WATER IN ELECTRIC KETTLE
TAKE OUT INSTANT COFFEE
DRINK COFFEE
…WHAT DO YOU MEAN “TEA”?
SOUTHERN VERSION
GET A POT AND PUT SOME WATER AND A BUNCH OF TEA BAGS IN THAT SONOFABITCH
BOIL THAT SHIT
PUT THAT SHIT IN A PITCHER
ADD SUGAR
KEEP ADDING SUGAR
NO, YOU’RE NOT DONE YET
WHEN THE SUGAR HAS REACHED ITS SATURATION POINT AND IS NO LONGER ACTUALLY DISSOLVING IN BOILING WATER THEN YOU’RE DONE
(i am not making this up i know people who make it that way)
FILL THE REST OF THAT SHIT UP WITH WATER AND PUT THAT MOTHERFUCKER IN THE ICEBOX
ENJOY THAT SHIT WITH A NICE TASTY PLATE OF DEEP-FRIED THINGS
How To Make Tea. In multiple countries.
Southern version is straight up accurate. No lie. If you are putting less than 20 odd cups of sugar into a small pot of tea, you are doing it wrong.
Only problem is the South doesn’t have “Tea”. We have “SweeTea” only one T. If you say sweet tea you’re a goddamn yankee. Or from Florida. Same thing.
NO YOU ARE ALL WRONG.
CHINESE VERSION:
AWAKEN IN THE COOL DAWN AIR ON A MISTY MOUNTAINTOP AND EMERGE FROM YOUR TRANQUIL BAMBOO COTTAGE
GO OUT TO THE TEA FIELDS AND MEDITATE QUIETLY ON THE DEWDROPS SPARKLING IN THE MORNING SUN ON THE TENDER NEW SHOOTS SPROUTING FROM THE DELICATE PLANT
CONTEMPLATE THE DUALITY OF NATURE
METHODICALLY PICK THE TEA AND PLACE IT INTO A WICKER BASKET HUNG AROUND YOUR NECK
AS THE SUN RISES AND DRIES THE CRYSTALLINE DEW, SPREAD THE TEA LEAVES ONTO A HAND-SEWN BLANKET ATOP A FLAT ROCK
ALLOW TEA TO DRY UNDER THE HEAT OF THE SUN
EAT SOME RICE WHILE YOU WAIT
FURTHER CONTEMPLATE THE DUALITY OF NATURE
WHEN THE TEA IS DRY, BOIL SOME WATER ON YOUR WOOD STOVE. WE HAVE NO ELECTRICITY IN CHINA.
PUT THE TEA IN A TEAPOT. DON’T BOTHER WITH FANCY STRAINERS BECAUSE WE HAVE NO NEED FOR THAT SHIT
POUR THE BOILING WATER INTO THE TEA
WAIT FOR A WHILE
CEREMONIOUSLY DECANT THE TEA INTO CUPS. IF TEA LEAVES GET INTO THE CUPS LEAVE THEM THERE
DON’T PUT ANYTHING INTO THE TEA OR ELSE MAY BUDDHA STRIKE YOU DOWN
CONTEMPLATE THE DUALITY OF NATURE
DRINK THE TEA
IF THE LEAVES GET IN YOUR MOUTH, EAT THEM
TRANSFORM INTO A DRAGON
FLY AWAY OVER THE GREAT WALL INTO ETERNITY