pinwheeling | delladilly | gatheringbones | greenkneehighs | tsarevich | omgspicegirls:
okay so this Assyrian dude (HOLOFERNES) invades this Hebrew town where this rich widow (JUDITH, OUR HEROINE) lives and she is all ZUT ALORS WHAT SHALL WE DO and talks to some dudes around and they’re all like wow Holofernes sure has a lot of swords and horses and stuff so we are pretty much just gonna hope he doesn’t kill us, and that’s the plan. Judith is like FUCK THAT SHIT so she dolls herself up and goes to Holofernes’ camp with her maid (SUSIE) and is all, Holofernes! I have randomly decided that the Jews are the worst and I wish you all the best in destroying them, let’s get drunk. And Holofernes is like GREAT and he gets drunk and falls asleep. Judith prays to God awhile because this is the Old Testament and then she picks up his enormous sword and cuts off his actual head. She sticks it in a bag and is like WHELP GOTTA GO BYEEE to his guards outside and she and her maid fly on the wings of righteous justice back to the Hebrews where she waves his head around a lot and makes them wallow in her awesomeness. Then they all attack the Assyrians who are all GET HOLOFERNES and then realize he is dead, and headless, and still drunk probably, and then they feel really stupid and leave.
If you liked JUDITH you may enjoy the story of JAEL who is puttering around in her fabulous tent one day when the leader of an invading army pulls up and is like SHEESH IT IS HARD WORK KILLING ALL YOU GUYS and Jael is like dude, so sorry, would you like some milk? And he’s like I LOVE MILK, and then she nails a tent peg into the back of his head.
SMOTE.
An Irish ancient Hebrew? This looks legit